Ode to a Soldier

What will it be like when public praise is currency?

I’d like a hamburger and fries. And a Cherry Coke.

Alright. Do you see Leonard over there? Sitting by himself in the corner? Give him a speech.

Leonard? I’ve seen him here before. I don’t know anything about him.

He fought in the war. Lots of grandchildren. Lives on Collins Bay.

Alright. 

[He walks to the center of the patio.] 

Good people, good people, I’m sorry to bother you. What a lovely evening. What fine weather. I was hoping that I could bend your ears for a few minutes about our friend Leonard. But before I do, let’s give a round of applause to the Hall. The staff here is so attentive, don’t you think? Now, Leonard — don’t stand up, please, sit, Leonard — Leonard, as I’m sure you all know, is a longtime resident of this neighborhood. He loves to watch the sun set over the bay. He adores his grandchildren. Gorgeous kids. How many is it? Ten? Fourteen? Goodness! Fourteen. That’s more than a baker’s dozen. And Leonard, as you may know, served our country in the war. Yes, give him a round of applause . That’s right. He showed true bravery. It’s hard to find people of his caliber nowadays. I know some people say infantrymen are a dime a dozen, but not me.

[The crowd grumbles.]

Not me, I said! Ah, I’m no good at this. I’m like a Dostoevsky narrator. If only I had more talent! No, sir, no, I’m not drunk. Where would I get alcohol? I’m not putting down the armed services. But here’s what I would like to say. We can all agree that we’re in this together. That we should, indeed, be in this together. But agreeing on that fact doesn’t tell us what we ought to be fighting for together. That’s obvious, isn’t it? Too obvious for words. I want to support you all. I want you to come to my house. You can store your food in my fridge when your fridge is broken. You can sleep in my attic when your heater is broken. Does that mean I want to go to war with Greece? That’d be a strange logical journey from A to B. That’s all I’m saying.

[More grumbles.]

We have to be able to withstand a little tension. If we’re meant to link arms and march once more unto the breach, we deserve a death that we believe in. And maybe that tension will come at the expense of our togetherness. So? So what? What families don’t argue?

Enough, though. Let’s return to Leonard. Fourteen grandchildren. Look at those blue eyes. Do all the grandchildren have blue eyes like that? I hope so. I want you to know, Leonard, and I mean this with all my heart, that I can’t imagine a better person than you. You’re the absolute best of us, and I salute you.

[He raises a glass, then slinks back to the counter.]

There wasn’t much esprit de corps in that speech. 

What are you, a bartender or a civil servant? 

I’m both. And that speech didn’t do the trick.

Well, it’s a dumb law. I’m an introvert, you know?

Be that as it may. I hope you enjoy your home, your health insurance, your vehicle, your library card, your annual vacation. I hope the sight of your neighbors in good health, all of them, means something to you. However, even if it doesn’t, you haven’t earned your meal. You can try again later tonight. 

But I’m hungry.

Are you? Well, then, give Leonard a ride home. He’s sleepy, and his eyes are failing him.

Sure. I can do that. I’ll be his eyes and ears.

Good man. Off you go.